In 2006, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo wrote a book called, “He’s just not that into you.” In 2009 it became a movie. Both the book and the movie give a baseline for how to tell if someone was into you by the nature of their actions and verbals.
Based on the book you know that someone is not into you if:
1. They don’t call or text; If someone is into you the calls and the texts are the first casual way for them to make efforts to connect with you.
2. They don’t want to make plans with you; If someone is into you, they will actively seek out your company (no matter how “busy” they are).
3. They are not interested in getting to know you; If someone is into you they ask questions and actively listen when communicating with you.
4. They seem distracted when you are out in social settings or groups; If someone is into you they make it a point to make you feel comfortable in social settings. This may look like eye contact, introducing you to people, or gestures of touching you throughout the event.
The question, is the person you are dating into you, has made its way into society to ellicit humor and irony for unrequited love or romance. However, this question can answer if your current dating partner is able and ready to make a healthy romantic connection with you. If the person is not able to make these simple gestures they may have experienced something different from secure attachments in their past. The ability for someone to prompt a relationship to a higher level can help you distinguish if they are relationship material. Yes, they may just not be into you. However, these signs are also a good indication of someone who is ready to take the dating to another level.
We all have expectations, dreams and hopes of what we want our relationships to look like. Communication and connection are important parts of what make a relationships work. These expectations are minimal and you can hold someone accountable to be generally reliable. You should have personal values that show someone you appreciate their time and they need to appreciate yours.
The article goes the same way for if you find yourself consistently searching for people who are unavailable. If you have a tendency to continue in a relationship where someone is not active in the types of participation you want (i.e responding to texts or answering calls) it is time that you let them go. In order for you to have a healthy and secure relationship you need to process why you constantly enjoy the company of people who want to give you half of what you give them. Don’t chase after anyone and don’t let anyone chase after you. Actively participate in a walk with one another because mutual initiation in dating is key.
The Cynical Therapist came to be when two therapists became friends. SoulMates or Kindered Spirit Animals… Call us what you will…. We are two bad*** chics Licensed to teach you how to grow into your full potential and add some humor along the way.
Laurie Wilson and Elle Anzalone are both Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Huntington Beach, CA.