This is not a blog to encourage you to break up with your significant other. Relationships, marriages, and partnerships take work; they give back to you as much as you are willing to invest in them. Time and time again people break up early on because they are not communicating as they once did. They pass the honeymoon stage and they are unable to sustain a real relationship that comes with its, well simply put, reality.
Our new societal ideas of relationships and media can partially be to blame. Via the bachelorette, of course out of 20 great looking, successful men you will find one to fall in love with on the beach in FIJI. It’s like the real world: You leave a number of human beings in a house living together, add hormones and alcohol and someone is scientifically likely to hook up with someone. Society has set up a way for us to glorify that relationships look like lavish vacations and fairy tale romances. Unfortunately real life relationships look less and less like what is displayed socially and in media as time goes on. This leaves people to have high expectations with no one to deliver those expectations. This also shows how quickly we are to get into relationships that may not be right for us.
The How To:
This is not a sure-fire way to let someone go, but when it comes to breaking up with someone I have seen time and time again people struggling to do it without hurting any feelings or feeling guilty themselves. Breaking up with someone is always going to cause a negative flux of emotions and unfortunately, there is no way to completely avoid the hurt of one or both of the partners. If you have children involved in this relationship, seek therapy to limit or avoid the impact that the break up will have on the children.
1. Do not just push away. A lot of times, one partner will push away and begin to ignore someone who they once adored. They lack the emotional intelligence to deal with the reactions of the other partner that has just been broken up with. You took the time to secure the relationship, and you need to be adult about conducting a break up.
2. Do not blame the other person. A break-up is easier with the phrase “It’s not you, it’s me.” Gently tell the other person that you have obligations, work or school and that you are unable to take care of their needs and yours. This keeps them off the defense and may help them to realize that you can not give them what they actually want.
3. Location, Location, Location. A break up is better done in private. If you are close to a friend or family member of theirs maybe you can make a quick call or text to make sure they will have someone to be with on that day. You don’t have to tell their friend everything. Do it at their house, this way you can gracefully leave after and let them grieve in a safe and familiar environment.
4. Grass is always greener. After you break up with someone, you will possibly have feelings of regret. This is normal and it is unfair for you to return to someone whom you do not want to be with. You need to stick to your guns so more emotions aren’t arising after the break up. You will need time to heal also as you may feel hurt and confused. If you think you made the wrong decision, it is likely that you made the right one. In time you will come to this realization.
The Cynical Therapist came to be when two therapists became friends. SoulMates or Kindered Spirit Animals… Call us what you will…. We are two bad*** chics Licensed to teach you how to grow into your full potential and add some humor along the way.
Laurie Wilson and Elle Anzalone are both Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Huntington Beach, CA.