Often in relationships we are comparing our partner to past partners and we are comparing our current relationship to our past relationships. To avoid comparing your partner, Try This:
Always look at your partner and your relationship with fresh eyes. Treat your partner each day as if you are meeting them for the first time. We are often less inclined to show strangers our ‘true’ colors. You should still be yourself in your relationship. Being yourself is very different from acting out your built up emotions from the past to your partner.
Forgive your past. You can’t forget your past, but letting your past partners and relationships go can help you move forward in your current relationship. Forgive the past so it doesn’t have to come up in your present relationship.
So what if this is the other way around? What if your partner is so critical of you because of their past relationships? What if they bring jealousy into the relationship because their ex cheated? What if you are paying for the mistakes their ex made?
You can not change the way a person thinks. However, you can decide how you will let someone treat you. If your partner is constantly condemning you for situations that have not taken place in your relationship, but have in their past relationship, it is time to ask yourself if they are over the hurt from their past. You can not be the person paying for the hurt that leaked into your relationship due to your partners inability to let it go. There may be a transitional period for your partner to get used to you, but this should only last a couple of months. If you continue to have a relationship with a partner that compares you to an ex or to past relationships, you should openly communicate this. Let your partner know that you are not comfortable with the dynamic of added stress from a past you couldn’t prevent.
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The Cynical Therapist came to be when two therapists became friends. SoulMates or Kindered Spirit Animals… Call us what you will…. We are two bad*** chics Licensed to teach you how to grow into your full potential and add some humor along the way.
Laurie Wilson and Elle Anzalone are both Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Huntington Beach, CA.