There is a point in our relationships when some of us exercise our need to know. When we first meet a person, we tend to be consumed with all their good qualities. Often early on, we make sure that the past of the other person doesn’t matter. We think we are taking them for who they are, but that is not always the case. We take them for who we think they are.
After time the relationship gets to a point where one person or both people start to ask about the other’s past or gossip they hear from others. Different personalities and different people act differently to this. Someone who is persistent on exercising their need to know is curious, and has compulsion in their mind. This impulsiveness can drive a person’s “need to know” over their rational thinking.
I advise against ever getting into these conversations. You need not prying at a dating partner to know something or inquiring about the past, and you should not feel obligated to answer inquiries that are inappropriate or make you feel uncomfortable.
If he wants to know exactly how many men you have been with, or you want to know how good sex was with his ex; it is completely irrelevant! Say that to yourself over and over again.
The person who needs to know is feeding an impulsion to know, there is no true relevance to how your love will get stronger when these conversations come up.
If you are the person who needs to know, you should examine why your mind is causing you to suffer from either compulsively thinking or needing to know.
Both parties should be completely honest with one another, but he or she doesn’t need to know that intimate details between you and an ex. He doesn’t even need to know who your ex is. In a small town this can be more difficult, but a quality person will deem gossip an irrelevant source. Keep it classy, quiet, and relevant.
The emotional connection and harmony between the two of you is not going to be elevated if you talk about what one person thinks they “need to know.” Usually the need to know occupies the discussions of the past, etc. They are unnecessary and will cause fights, unnecessary worry, and possible break-ups.
The things you should be paying attention to are:
- communicating effectively
- growing the positive aspects
- responding appropriately to set-backs
- having fun with each other
The Cynical Therapist came to be when two therapists became friends. SoulMates or Kindered Spirit Animals… Call us what you will…. We are two bad*** chics Licensed to teach you how to grow into your full potential and add some humor along the way.
Laurie Wilson and Elle Anzalone are both Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist practicing in Huntington Beach, CA.